Relationship Conflict Evaluation

The following questions are designed to give you some insight into how you and your partner deal with conflict and disagreements together. We recommend that you both complete this form separately and then come together to compare them and have a heart to heart discussion about how to improve the way you, as a couple, handle conflict.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think about how you and one specific person handle disagreements and write in the number that you think is representative of how often this occurs.

Give yourself a score as follows: 1 = never, 2 = rarely, 3 = sometimes, 4 = often, 5 = very often.

10 to 20 total points:  If you’re a "perfect 10" check for a pulse in your relationship. Is there any life in there? Maybe you are able to talk about the difficult and important things very well, but if you’re not talking, you don’t have much of a relationship. It really does take a little spice to keep any relationship alive. Up to 20, you probably have created a balance that allows each of you to express yourselves in a positive and constructive way. You have a relationship that is all too rare these days. Cherish what you have and remember to keep right on talking and solving those problems before they get in the way of your growth. Communication like this keeps friendships alive and flowers on your pillow. Romantic passion finds more room in hearts that aren’t full of anger and frustration. Creating Real Relationships will help you keep your relationship alive for a lifetime.

21-34 total points: We all want a little excitement in our lives but this is getting into dangerous territory. If your score is at the high end, you may be heading into long term trouble. It may be fun and hot to make-up but be aware that if your words are harsh and mean spirited, they can wound like a knife to the heart…forever. One mean word usually draws another like angry bees swarming. You have a choice not to sting. Change the course of you fights by seeking to understand your partner rather than just defending your position. Understanding is powerful even when you don’t agree. We all feel better and safer when we are understood. The majority of problems don’t even need to be solved…we just want to know that our partner cares enough to listen and understand. Creating Real Relationships and the Relationship Program teaches communication and problem-solving skills that can make a very positive difference in your relationship.

35 – 50 total points: Nobody wins these ongoing fights. You have to change before someone gets hurt any more. Maybe you’re fighting because it’s the only thing you know how to do or maybe it’s the only time you get any attention. Even at that, you probably still feel lonely and trapped. It’s time for you to get help from a counselor, therapist or other professional or get out. Creating Real Relationships and the Relationship Program teaches communication and problem-solving skills that can make a very positive difference in your relationship.

Abuse, either verbal or physical by any party is unacceptable. If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, please get help immediately. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 right away.  They will give you confidential assistance.

Please note that this is not intended to be a scientific instrument but rather an indicator.  We recommend that you think about the outcome and use your best judgment of how to use the information. 

Do You Need an Relationship Program?

If you feel that your relationship is getting out of control, if it is having an impact on other important parts of your life, you might consider a Relationship Program or Anger Management Program to learn how to handle it better. A highly trained licensed psychotherapist can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing thinking and behavior.

When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with your relationship, and ask about his or her approach to relationship problems. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely what your problem is.

With a good Relationship Program a  couple can move closer to a lower range of anger in about 12 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.

Pfeiffer MDiv, RH. Real Solution Anger Management Workbook ISBN: 1893505006 129 pp. Growth Publishing NY. Highly acclaimed book dealing with underlying issues of self-esteem (shame). Offers skills and concepts to overcome and manage anger problems. It is most effective for those who are fully aware of their need to find help for their anger problems. Goals for participants are to reduce levels of anger, shame, guilt, and isolation, to learn effective coping skills leading to increase self-esteem.