Assertiveness (FAQ)

Assertive behavior is based on the belief that your wants and needs are important, but not more so than the wants and needs of others. It is an alternative to aggressive behavior, which stems from the belief that your wants and needs override those of others, and to submissive behavior, which arises from the belief that your wants and needs are less important than those of other people. To be assertive you have to:

• know what you want
• be sure it is fair
• ask for it clearly
• stay calm
• accept praise and criticism with equanimity.

Why it is sometimes difficult to be assertive

Assertiveness is learned behavior. If you didn't have good models of assertiveness as children from your parents, or at school, then you may never have had the opportunity to acquire the habit for yourself. Men and women traditionally have different social orientations as well. Many people want to break out of their passive roles but often make the mistake of believing that the only alternative is to be aggressive and they see aggressive behavior as unacceptable. Assertiveness is the third way and, unlike aggressiveness.

Recognizing aggression, submission and assertiveness

Aggressive behavior is characterized by shouting, pointing, making threats, swearing and insulting other people. Aggressive language includes over-use of I-statements, put-downs, stating opinions as facts (obviously..., anyone can see...). Submissive behavior is characterized by fidgety movements, fear of eye contact, whining tones, apologies, beating about the bush. Assertive behavior involves a relaxed stance, steady eye contact, calm voice, appropriate use of I-statements and suggestions and questions rather opinions and threats.

Situations where people find assertiveness difficult

It may be difficult to:

• express praise and affection openly
• give vent to negative feelings
• refuse requests and invitations
• show anger
• give a personal opinion
• complain
• ask for help

To decide if you have problems with being assertive, look at the list above and make note of the situations when you have problems in these areas. The difficulties might arise at home, at work, with elders or superiors, with friends, in social situations or dealing with day-to-day matters such as shopping, doctors' appointments, parents' meetings.

Putting assertiveness into practice: fundamentals

In order to be assertive, you need to have a positive outlook on life and a sense of your own self worth. You need to be clear about your rights and your responsibilities. If, as a child, you were constantly criticized at home or at school, you may doubt your value as a human being and have a negative approach to life. Women in particular are vulnerable to a negative self-image because of commercial and media pressures on them to seek perfection: the perfect weight, perfect skin, perfect hair.

Constantly striving to live up to some unattainable ideal can make you feel inadequate. One way of reversing the negative attitudes you may be carrying inside about yourself, is to focus on what is positive in others and in your own situation. Start verbalizing what you like about your family and friends and they will start to return the compliments. Make a resolution to say something positive to each person you meet during a day: 'I like your hairstyle today; that color suits you.' Make a list of the ten things you like most about your home and your work. Start training yourself to look for the positive aspects of your situation. Next you need to focus on yourself and list your own best attributes. This process is not designed to blind you to shortcomings and problems but to help you have a more balanced view of your world.

To be assertive you also need to identify your rights as a human being. You have the right to:

• strive for what you want
• self-determination in your life
• your own opinions
• privacy
• self-improvement
• make mistakes

Assertive Techniques

In any situation in which you have demands to make, first be sure of your facts. If you are asking for a salary raise, for example, gather all the relevant information that supports your case: the going rate for the job, your level of knowledge and experience, special contributions you have made, any contractual obligations on the part of your employer. The second step is to be persistent. Let's say you ask the boss for a chance to talk about salary and he or she fobs you off with some excuse. Simply insist that, if you can't talk now, you fix an appointment as soon as possible.

Practicing assertive skills

To be assertive you have to counter all the dirty tricks that people use when they are in aggressive mode. The most common are:

• put-downs and insults
• nagging (I'm tired of asking you...)
• exaggerating (you're never on time...)
• vague language (this could make a big difference...)
• blaming (you should have done that weeks ago...)
• unwanted advice (if I were you, I'd...)
• undermining (we need someone with more experience...)
• boxing you in (what are you doing next Friday?)

To deal with these tricks you have to first let the other person know that you recognize them. If some puts you down or insults you, instead of responding with equal aggression, try asking a question:

A. "You'll never be able to do all that on your own."

B. "Oh, why do you say that?"

Then make sure you stop this kind of behavior at once. By not reacting emotionally and by letting the other person see that you know what they trying to do, you should be able to redirect the conversation along more positive lines.

Coping with criticism

The sorts of criticism that are listed above are all unfair. Insults, blame, nagging are wide of the mark. If someone offers genuine criticism then it should be specific and designed to help not undermine you. If you are lacking in self-confidence then you may find any kind of criticism difficult to accept. But if you have a true awareness of your own strengths and weaknesses then you should be able to:

• recognize unfair criticism and reject it
• accept fair criticism and use it to your advantage.

You can handle criticism in several ways:

• acknowledge it ("yes, I realize I have been late a lot recently")
• acknowledge with a negative ("yes, I haven't always been on time lately")
• invite explanation with an inquiry ("has my record been worse than the others?")

In handling criticism like this, you force your critic to see the seriousness of what they are doing to you. If you criticize someone, you should do it openly, honestly and with specific information. 

If you feel that your assertiveness problem is effecting you, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider an Assertiveness Program  to learn how to handle it better. A highly trained licensed psychotherapist can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.

When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with assertiveness, and ask about his or her approach to assertiveness. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings"—that may be precisely what your problem is.

With a good Assertiveness Program a   person can move to a more effective level in about 8 weeks  depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.